JP Loves: The Not-So-Naff Valentine Idea Guide
Which won’t involve red roses, but might include a jockstrap!
Do you like Valentine’s Day? I’m not overly keen. The first thing that upsets my eyes is the abundance of clashing sickly strawberry Angel Delight1 pink and hooker lipstick red that some marketing twat decided were the colours of love! You won’t find a red rose in my Ikebana vase, no siree! Not that I don’t love a jolly good red rose. Of particular note is: Rosa ‘Climbing Étoile de Hollande’ - large, fragrant velvety crimson blooms. But, I digress.
The best thing about Valentine’s Day, in my opinion, is that it means there’s not long to wait for spring. It’s my little mid-winter reminder that brighter days are on the way for both home and garden. My hubby and I do buy each other a card and I confess, I do have a bit of penchant for the special M&S Meal Deal2, but that’s about as far as it goes nowadays.
I can’t think of anything worse than being in a restaurant crammed to the rafters with couples forced into behaving in an overtly romantic fashion for one night only. You can almost taste the pressure in the air. Look around the room. How many silent couples can you see? All writhing in their seats, desperate to think of something complimentary and witty to say, but they’ve drawn a blank. Of course, in reality, you know it’s the day when most couples have a big old barney3. It’s the pressure I tell you!
Don’t get me wrong, I love a bit of romance. I can be rather sentimental when push comes to shove, I’ll have you know. But, I won’t be forced into it. There are another 364 days when I can shower affection on the hubster. Preferably when he’s least expecting it. We’ve been known to do some weird and wacky things in the name of love.
If you’re wondering about my photo today - They’re from 1999 - practically vintage. I covered the hotel bed in rose petals (white I’ll have you know!) and then got completely naked apart from a ruby red jockstrap that had a pocket on the front that said ‘tips’. Needless to say I didn’t make a lot of money! If anyone is wondering how I propped up the pouch for this photo (wasn’t going to be sporting them myself obvs!) I used a very handy Seville orange. I bought a load ready to make a Seville orange gin and a devilishly-good marmalade. Both recipes I found here on Substack from the ever-knowledgable and very funny
and the lady that everyone wishes were their best friend .So, without further ado, rather than the usual affiliated link bla bla gift guide, I thought I’d share some of the not-so-naff ideas that both Mr C and I have either tried over the years, or have still yet to achieve, to ignite the flames of luuuurve! I’m posting this a full two weekends before the big day because although none of these ideas cost very much money, they do need preparation time! Feel free to try them at home regardless of whether you are a twosome, a throuple, family or singleton.
Toast and hide!
One of the most romantic things we have ever done was whilst we were on our first holiday together in Crete. This was way back in 1999. Armed with a bottle of champers and two glasses, we hiked up a hillside (wanted to say mountain, but we’re not that sporty), where we knew there would be amazing views. It was a very hot day, so by the time we reached the peak we were desperate for liquid refreshment.
We found a comfy spot by an ancient olive tree, or at least my rose-tinted memory says it was so. Then we toasted to each other, kissed and the rest is history. Before leaving the sacred spot we decided upon hiding the two glasses underneath some rocks. The idea was that one day we would return and try and find them, Taittinger in hand obvs! I’d love to go back and see if they are still there. We must do it one day soon. Give it a go yourself. It doesn’t have to be Crete, although Basildon doesn’t quite have the same ring.
Be a kid for a day and make a bedroom tent!
My favourite scene in the Christmas movie The Holiday is the one where the perfect Cameron Diaz and a dreamy Jude Law climb into the magical makeshift tent the little girls had made in their bedroom. It reminds me of how my younger brother Simon and I made a secret den from an oversized airing cupboard. We’d sit in there for hours just chatting, reading and giggling at the slightest thing. There’s nothing more fun than allowing yourself to be a kid for a day.
Grab those spare bed sheets and a mop and pitch your tent. Festoon it inside with fairy lights and make sure it’s super cosy with pillows, cushions and throws. Prepare a picnic, add your laptop to watch a movie and you’re all set! It’s a darn sight more fun than actual camping too. None of the half-deflated blow-up mattress and soggy underpants malarkey. Although, we have been known to camp under the stars in the garden for a night. Perhaps not in February though.
Have a ‘yes’ day.
Take a day off. Give each other three free yeses. Whatever your partner asks you to do, you have to say yes! Could get dangerous, but my god it’s funny! You can also get your own back when it’s your turn.
Get jiggy with it!
If you are of the non-romantic persuasion, then why not get all down and dirty with some exercise? Of course, it could be of the rompypompy sort, but I do actually mean getting hot and sweaty with clothes on and a good pair of pumps. Needless to say, this is not one of the things Mr C and I have tried, being of the couch and potato variety. Running is my least favourite thing on earth. But, some people love a good jump about and it can be a great way to work up an appetite for more than just food! We have friends that swear by ‘couples yoga’ to spice up their weekend. Perhaps go on a hike, take a samba class, or learn to paddle board? No? Me neither.
Write an A-Z.
Now if this doesn’t coax out the Casanova in you then I don’t know what will. For our first ever Valentine’s Day, Mr C did the most romantic thing he has ever done. He wrote me a love letter A-Z and I still have it to this day. All you have to do is start with the letter A and write A is for…then insert something that’s personal, funny, or sexy about the person you’re writing about. Try to write things that are special memories, moments you’ve shared. Keep going till you get to Z and we won’t talk about what F stands for. The letter that stole my heart was W. He wrote: W is impossible. There’s only one you.
Hope I didn’t make you throw up a little just then.
Get lost!
One of my favourite pastimes as a child was orienteering. My father would go out one fine day and create an adventure for us in the countryside, taking us miles away from home. It was very Famous Five. I think mum and dad went out that day for some much needed rest from us all, four boys and all that. Parents didn’t worry about their kids so much in those days. We’d be given a starting point, a compass and a clue to where the next hidden piece of paper would be. It would hold the key to our next location. I can’t tell you how joyous it was when we found a clue. It’s something all the family could do together. Or, perhaps just set off on foot somewhere you’ve always wanted to explore and get lost in the day.
Take a thrill!
One of the most proven ways to bring people closer together is to do something that scares you. By sharing a dramatic experience where you are both momentarily worried for your lives, a bond is made like no other. It reminds you that you need and rely on each other. It also makes a memory. Now, I’m not saying you need to do a Thelma and Louise, but something as simple as a ride on a rollercoaster, or log flume, is all you need. For the more adventurous, why not book a balloon ride, or sky dive. Promise it works!
Host a Mixology night.
This is a great one for couples, friends, or the whole family of legal age. Set up a bar. Get all your fancy cocktail glasses out and be sure to buy in a plethora of mixers, olives and glacé cherries! Create your own signature cocktail. Perhaps have a theme so you can dress up? Just make sure there’s plenty of food to soak it all up!
Bunk off!
Is there anything more naughty than calling in sick and having a stolen day? Make a plan so that you don’t waste it though. If you’re going out, make sure you’re far from home and away from your work location. You don’t want to bump into your boss!
Room Service!
This one appeals to me as it involves food. Create a menu of your partner, friend, or loved one’s favourite things to eat and drink and then serve them as they wish. Don’t go too crazy, just a list of about six things. You don’t want to be slaving away all day and then end up hating them and having a row over slave labour.
Bucket List Day
Do that one thing you always said you would do, but never have. Seize the day!
…and finally.
Other things we have tried, but possibly not succeeded at, which include, but are not limited to are: taking a rowing boat out on a romantic lake and accidentally dropping the oars; taking a complete stranger up on his offer of some ‘wacky backy’ in Madrid only to get completely lost and not be able to find the hotel; taking our rib boat out for the first time on the open water, but then the engine cuts out and we have to call the coastguard; smother a newly-boyfriended (new word) Mr C in Nutella flavoured body chocolate only to discover he’s allergic to nuts!
Happy Valentine’s Day. x
Angel Delight - a British powdered dessert mix, invented in the ‘60s, which is whisked together with milk to create a super-sweet mousse. The banana flavour is particularly wretched.
M&S - short for Marks and Spencer, a middle class British supermarket. It’s the place everyone goes to for their “special bits” and is most often frequented by pensioners and women in twin sets called Margery.
Barney - British slang for an argument. Not to be confused with an overly-friendly and slightly pervy purple dinosaur.
I like the A-Z one also. I could do some others but hubby is not as adventurous as me. 😜
I loved all these ideas JP and they made me chuckle but maybe I’m a tad unromantic or may be jaded nowadays - I just couldn’t be arsed! A card is about as much energy as I can muster (which I resent given the fortune the card companies make!) but I do expect him to go into full goddess mode and cook a sumptuous feast!