How To Almost Die Floating A Christmas Tree From The Ceiling

A warts and all guide to the realities of festive festooning shenanigans.

Today’s post is free for all, which most of the time is not the case. There are two festive posts next week, which will both be for paid members, so why not take the opportunity to upgrade now with 20% off an annual subscription?

Sometimes I have creative ideas, which seem relatively simple in theory, but every now and again bringing them to life can prove almost fatal.

I’ve wanted to try my hand at a ceiling-hung christmas tree for years now. Sometimes I have crazy ideas and my mind just won’t let go of them until I make them a reality. I had this image in my head of a fragrant Norway Spruce smothered in warm white lights and rosehip red baubles suspended in the sky and surrounded by lit floating candles - very Harry Potteresque.

We now have a four metre high ceiling in the barn, so it was the perfect opportunity to be brave and see if I could bring my vision to life. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I wasn’t prepared for just how tricky it would be, or how dangerous. Today’s post gives you a sobering dose of the reality behind some large scale installations and a little insight into how my weird and often misguided brain works. Hope you enjoy it. But before I delve into my death-defying escapades, I have some news!

I’m in the paper (I hope!)

Do you read The Sunday Times? I’m supposed to be in it today. Praying that all trace of me wasn’t cut in the final edit as has happened in numerous newspaper and magazine articles over the years. This post will reach you before my local newsagent opens, so I have yet to find out whether I made the cut. Apparently, the online version is slightly longer.

Do you remember my article about The Holiday movie from a month ago? Well, it all went a bit crazy after that and quite a lot of people noticed it. In fact, about ten days after I published it, Jude Law was a guest on the Zoe Ball Show on BBC Radio Two and she asked him about the movie. He only went and used almost an exact sentence from my opening paragraph, where I said I was going to burst the bubble. A coincidence? Perhaps, but I like to think he, or his publicist saw my story and borrowed the line. Jude Law bursts the bubble on The Holiday read The Daily Mail.

Soon after that I got an email from Hannah Swerling, Commissioning Editor at The Sunday Times. She was writing an article about The Holiday and wanted to interview me. I know, crazy right? She was interested in my angle as the village hairdresser and someone who actually lived in the village where the movie was filmed. Anyway, she asked me all sorts of questions about the film and my Substack, so let’s hope all my important details are included in her piece. I have already seen that the online version has a very similar title to my article, which concerns me. I’m probably en route to the village shop as you are reading this, so fingers crossed. It just goes to show though that you never know who’s reading your work. The power of Substack!

If you didn’t catch the article I wrote, then you can read it here:

A Floating Christmas Tree

A floating Christmas tree, sounds so whimsical and care-free doesn’t it? There was supposed to be a ‘how to’ video for this, as I have done with previous ceiling installations for you, but this hare-brained idea took all day to create and there were so many outrageous expletives it was not fit for your ears or eyes. I believe I even managed to use swear words that actually don’t exist, but somehow seemed pointedly accurate and satisfying like Shafrigadyfukbottom or cokshuckertitwankface. Feel free to plagiarise.

Instead I shall explain the process, warts and all, which should hopefully both enlighten and entertain you this frosty Sunday morning.

In my research, all bar one of the images I found online showed christmas trees hanging upside down and it’s now become a huge trend on social media. But, I have to say I’m not very fond of the idea. I don’t know if it’s my very strict Catholic upbringing, but to me it feels a tad sacrilegious, a bit like an upside down crucifix. I’m not actually that religious anymore, more spiritual, but once a Catholic and all that. Apparently though, the upside down christmas tree goes way back to the 7th century and is the furthest thing from sacrilege.

A little history

Saint Boniface (a name I think should become popular again), a Benedictine monk, used the triangular shape of a fir tree to explain the Holy Trinity to pagans in Germany in order to try and deter them from worshipping the Oak Tree. How that was supposed to work, god knows, but it looks like it did the trick because upside-down Christmas trees eventually became popular throughout Europe. In the 12th century, a tradition called podłaźniczka began in Poland, which involved decorating a conifer tree with fruit, nuts and paper chains and then hanging it upside down from the ceiling. Who knew?

Inverted Christmas trees continued well into the 19th century, when it was common for poorer families to hang their trees from the rafters as a way of saving space.

Either way, the idea doesn’t thrill me. It seems a tad alternative and different for difference sake. I bet that Saint Boniface was just showing off and fancied some attention.

A real tree hung upside down is relatively easy to achieve as you can simply screw a large hook into the cut base of the trunk and then hang that from a very secure hook in a rafter of your ceiling. But, it definitely won’t last the whole season as it won’t have a water source and you’ll be hoovering up the pesky needles for weeks. No thank you!

You can buy one of the new and supposedly popular ready-made and pre-lit faux upside down trees, but nearly all of them are not hung from the ceiling, but suspended on a floor stand. Inverting a regular 6 foot faux tree would require special fixings to keep each section of the trunk together as gravity would want to work against you and even then, the branches are on hinges which are not designed to be upside down.

I could have used a faux tree hung the right way up, but again that requires modification in order to keep the sections together. Plus, in my view, the base of a faux tree is supremely ugly and would need to be hidden somehow. But, the idea of a real tree suspended the right way up from the ceiling absolutely thrilled me. I just had to work out how to water it. These are the sorts of ridiculous conundrums that keep me awake at night people!

Pine needle haters will know full well that if they want to keep the dreaded drop at bay they need to water their tree and nowadays a lot of stands come with a reservoir for H₂O. I wanted my floating tree to look like it was potted in a jolly red festive bucket, but how the hell was that going to stay up in the sky? And then it dawned on me, all I had to do was make sure the bucket had a handle and then I’d simply drill a screw half way into the trunk at the exact height that the handle would be and then hang my bucket from that. Eureka! I could then pour water into the bucket quite easily by standing on a chair and checking the water levels would be easy using the handle end of a wooden spoon. You see! I am in fact slightly insane. No degree of Yuletide shenanigans is ever enough.

With that problem solved, I just needed to work out how to hang the damn tree. The tip of a reel spruce would not be strong enough to hold the weight of a six foot tree and there’s nothing to screw a hook into. This perplexed me for many nights my friends. I tried many things, including my trusty fishing wire, but the tree was so heavy, I just didn’t trust it. The last thing we needed was to have christmas dinner ruined by a huge spruce crashing to the table and giving everyone a mouthful of needles instead of turkey and stuffing.

Obviously, there had to be a very secure heavy duty hook in the ceiling, hung directly from a rafter, a rawl plug in the plaster would not be strong enough. Please don’t do that!

Installation Day

On installation day (the only day I had free) it just so happened that my husband, Mr. C was away on business, so other than the ceiling hook, which he very kindly installed for me, the rest of the task would be left to the little old Christmas elf that is me.

My first task was the lights. I haven’t strung lights on a tree for over 11 years since I was converted to the joys of incredibly realistic faux pre-lit trees, perfect for a household where no one helps you with the decorations. I could have used battery operated lights, but I wanted a lot and didn’t fancy changing the batteries every week, so I opted for the real deal. It was imperative that I started at the bottom of the tree ending the last light bulb at the tip and then securing the lead wire across the ceiling, down an oak beam to the power socket below. The green-black wire would be disguised with white electricians tape, so that it disappeared across the ceiling.

This is where the fun started. Have you ever tried to hold a christmas tree upright, whilst stringing lights on it and gradually spinning it around like a dreidel to ensure even coverage? Add to that our Postie knocking on the door half way through and numerous texts and calls about absolutely nothing and I was close to chopping the wretched tree up for firewood.

The Hanging

I’d just like to take this opportunity to furnish you all with the knowledge that single-handedly hauling a six foot Norway Spruce up a 12-rung ladder, four metres in the air and then somehow attaching it to a hook without A. Dropping the bloody thing and it landing on my dog Missy, who has F.O.M.O and therefore decided it was a very good idea to sit directly below me and pant profusely, or B. Falling off the ladder myself and in one fail grinch-like swoop ruining christmas forever more with the memory of a squashed dead dog and a widowed Mr. C, is no easy feat! Sorry for the long sentence, but I was on a roll.

In the end I used very strong garden wire and looped it four times around the top branches and then wound it around the tip securing the wire to the hook in the ceiling. This was all done whilst 13 feet in the air mind you, as I tried to maintain balance on a single ladder tread, desperately clinging on to a tree that seemed to get heavier by the second, like I was hauling Miss Trunchbull from the bun on her head. At that crucial moment the doorbell rang and my left foot slipped. Both me and the tree descended rapidly but somehow the heavens saved me and we landed on the next rung down as I frantically grasped the ladder with one hand. Needless to say I ignored the doorbell.

The tree, which I have lovingly named Agatha after her rather weighty headmistress’s namesake, is now floating, yes floating mid-air over our dining table. I’m sitting directly below her as I’m typing this column. Here’s hoping I’m still around for Christmas.

P.S. I used 50 battery-operated remote control floating candles, all from B&Q. That was another feat of engineering, but another time perhaps. Xx

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