How to Beat Your Neighbours at Fall Porch Decor

A tongue in cheek guide from a goddamned Instagram pumpkin legend!

I know I’m British. I know we say autumn and not fall, but do you know what? Twenty-five percent of HOME & HORT’s members are American and four percent are Canadian, which is not far off a third of our gang, so I thought it only right that every now and again I use their language. Especially as somehow fall seems to suit North America much more than it does England. It’s possibly all the red leaves, Anne of Green Gables, apple pie, plaid shirts and Ralph Lauren corduroy pants. You see, there I go again - pants! I think our lush greens suit spring and summer better. We’re all Wimbledon, strawberries and the Chelsea Flower show - don’t you think? Plus, it’s my newsletter and I like the word, so that’ll be that.

A quick note just to say I was ill this week, I did put a little note on our chat, but you may not have seen that, so apologies for the radio silence.

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Overall, I think I’m generally known for being quite a nice person. But, you know how actors get stereotyped into a role and wish they could play the villain just once in a while? Well, this post is a bit like that. Written in the voice of my evil twin Xavier Penry-Douche, or Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen on steroids. Please don’t take it to heart. This guy is the total opposite to me!

Some years ago I wrote a deadly serious blog post about styling up your front porch for fall. I re-read it recently and I actually couldn’t believe those words came from my mind. It made me die of cringe. What an absolute plonker! That gave me an idea: I would re-write it, but first of all tell you the truth about over-the-top Instagram styling and then make it even more big-headed, even more derogatory to the general public and hopefully a little bit funny. Enjoy.

Yes my friends it’s that crazy time of year again where the world totally loses the plot for pumpkins. Instagram has been awash with overpriced spiced lattes, candles, cushions and gourds since August (it’s been ‘cosy’ season on there since late June - we totally skipped summer), but I have done my very best to hold out on all that nonsense. Until now. It’s time for this year’s pumpkinlicious season to begin, there’s no stopping it and we’re starting with a bang, well more of a squash, actually, but you get my drift.

If you don’t know already, I run a hugely successful (god I wish that were true) Instagram account. Due to my utterly ridiculous, yet undeniably fabulous fall displays, I have, on more than one occasion, been called ‘The Pumpkin King’. I’m not sure I’d go that far, I’d say that crown firmly belongs to Kiel James Patrick, the bastard! But, I do have a penchant for the season and I can confirm that there is nothing more deliriously fun than styling up my home with autumnal paraphernalia in order to be congratulated and adored by the general public and make the average person feel like a total failure.

In fact, I’m a huge fan of seasonal styling/shaming full stop, be it spring blossoms or Christmas trees. Yuletide shenanigans have to be my absolute favourite because I get to have a bigger tree than anyone else, but I’m pretty certain pumpkin season comes a close second for making people squirm with inferiority. You won’t find any Halloween nonsense here though, I find it all a bit common, so if you’re expecting zombies, spiders and witches legs, then you’re going to be sorely disappointed and may want to vacate the area rather sharpish.

I have to confess, I am one of those wretched Insta folk who must be held responsible (and potentially whipped, but only in a saucy way) for making you feel like you are drowning in your own tears of inadequacy. I don’t mean to, promise! When it comes to front porch styling, I tend to GO LARGE for the gram. But, what you need to know is that it’s all a load of bollocks! No, hear me out.

You see, it all started when I kind of shot myself in the foot some five years ago after borrowing 149 pumpkins from a farm. I had to pay them a deposit of nearly £500 and would only get it back once every precious pumpkin was accounted for, stalk and all. Never carry a pumpkin via its stalk btw. If it breaks off, you’ll have a mushy rancid hot mess within days and your front porch will smell like a skunk’s starfish. Not advised.

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Anyway, somehow I managed to get them all into my car and traipse across Nancy Myers’s Surrey ready for a one-day photo shoot on my American-style weatherboard front porch. Two of my besties Ash and Abs - identical twins, helped out on the day and an enormous amount of joviality and bonhomie ensued. It was also bloody exhausting as we carried every single one of those orange baubles of joy up three flights of stairs, filled a bathtub with them, balanced them on banisters and titivated the terrace. All so that I could be Timmy-Top-It-All and show the world the ultimate in pumpkin styling for every day of the fest that is October.

The reality though? Yep, you guessed it, I only had three pumpkins on the front porch the following day and three it remained. So you see, it’s not real. It’s all for show, for inspiration, for entertainment. I’m a total fraud. My neighbours knew the truth. The scowls I used to get walking the dog each morning from people mumbling “that’s the pumpkin liar!” under their breath. So hurtful. Phew! I can’t tell you how much better I feel getting that off my chest.

Ever since that fateful pumpkin-fibbing day I’ve had to keep up appearances, thinking up ever more insanely ridiculous ideas to delight the madding crowds. It’s exhausting. I peaked too soon! One year, I did dip my toe into coming clean. I displayed a paltry three pumpkins by my garden canopy to test the waters. What followed was a plethora of “you crazy joker, can’t wait to see your real display” comments. I was doomed. Ninety-nine pumpkins were borrowed forthwith. But it’s got to stop. I just can’t go on like this. I’m not a machine!

The problem is, I can’t stop. I am compelled to delight in the seasons. I’m also not very good at being ‘small’. I might have downsized my home, but god help the day I downsize on the glamour. I’m like the Disneyland of stylists. Did you see this year’s styling on the barn steps in the main photo above? Thirty pumpkins this year (I told you I peaked too soon), but it could have been a lovely set of three and perhaps a pot of autumnal chrysanthemums, but oh no, had to be 30 with wicker ones thrown in for good measure. All bought and paid for, gone are the days of the lent gourd. I blame Covid. Incidentally, before the trolls come a calling, I fully intend to use these in as many recipes as possible.

What I really want my friends, is to do away, once and for all, with people feeling like their seasonal efforts fall short of my own. You see, as much as I try, I just can’t help being utterly fabulous. I’ve tried so many times to be ordinary like you, but it just doesn’t suit me. It’s like Audrey Hepburn trying desperately to be convincing as a Cockney flower girl, she fooled no one.

But, I do so want you all to feel like your seasonal efforts are quite nice. No, I mean it, I’m just silly old humble me. Don’t be scared. No one should be ashamed of their miserly single pumpkin and nobbly squash. It’s also perfectly ok if you only have a very small one. Miniature can be marvellous, it’s a small world after all. So shout it from the rooftops, ring those bells! You only have three pumpkins and nobody cares. It’s what you do with them that counts!

So, how DO you create beautiful displays in your home without spending a fortune or having vast amounts of god-given talent like me? Read on for the full low-down from the guy that completely lied and borrowed 149.

Styling up your front door.

To me, it’s all about the front door. If you get this wrong then you may as well give up entirely. It’s wonderful to do beautiful displays all over your home, but the main entrance is what really counts. It’s the money shot. It’s where you show the world what you’re made of, so don’t fuck it up!

Your display can be left out right up until the morning after the 31st October precisely. I do mean early morning though, so set your alarm. You can’t possibly keep them out after the 1st November, you have to remember that it’s Christmas from that day forward. Please, come on, get with the programme, this is Instaland! Christmas begins on the 1st November just as surely as full blown, daffodil-hugging spring starts on Boxing Day.

Okay, first of all, you do not need to buy a hundred pumpkins. It just has to be well thought through, beautifully curated and absolutely stunning - no pressure. Just a few choice gourds, seasonal props like an antique wooden wheelbarrow (which I selected from my vast ‘props’ room), or maybe a voluptuously full wreath and supremely clever styling, it can all totally transform your front door. Perhaps try travelling around half the country collecting fallen red leaves to make it look like you live in Vermont? You’ll be the envy of all your friends and enemies.

Look at the image above. There’s not much to it really, yet it works superbly, even if I do say so myself. You’re setting a scene, creating a mini film set at your front door. Surely you want it to be a blockbuster? The trick is to entice people to want to look closer and then walk away with a lingering sense of desperation and regret.

The cute wheelbarrow is pointed at such an angle that the person viewing it can see from all sides how much better it is than theirs. Add perfectly dappled sunlight and it’s a breathtaking sight. God I’m good.

I only used four pumpkins here and two of them are teeny tiny, so very affordable for the average Joe. The white chrysanthemums add contrast and stop everything from being too orange. The £200 basket from Neptune Home full of ¹Silver Birch logs I made my husband chop up purely for styling purposes, suggest warm cozy nights by the fire, toasting s’mores and drinking hot mulled apple cider. Take a sip, my cup overfloweth!

A successful display creates a mood, or a fantasy. An emotion is triggered in your brain. You may have not picked up on why, but that’s because you are stylistically inept.

There is nothing worse than spending forever creating a display for no one to notice it. Nobody wants to be Mr Cellophane. I promise that if you really think about the scene that you are trying to create and at least pretend you have an ounce of talent, then you will be sure of success. All the best displays spark emotion, even if it’s just hatred. Do try!

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1. I once had an entire feature wall of logs displayed either side of a wood burner. They were purely for show and took me days to wedge each log into the perfect position. The ‘real’ logs, the ones used for burning, were far less pretty and were kept in a cupboard. We asked a friend of ours to stay at our home to look after our dog whilst we were on holiday. The day we came back I found a completely empty feature wall as she’d burned them all! She is no longer a friend.